Drew Carey Had a Spiritual and Sexual Awakening at His First Phish Concert

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Drew Carey isn’t the same man he was before he attended his first Phish concert. The psychedelic rock band’s shows are trippy enough on their own, but they recently completed a run of shows at the new Las Vegas Sphere venue, a wholly immersive location with LED screens for walls. That twisted combination triggered a rebirth in the comedian.

“I swear I just talked to God,” Carey posted on X (formerly Twitter) after the show. “Would give you all my money, stick my dick in a blender, and swear off pussy for the rest of my life in exchange for this. Bro I met God tonight for real. I feel like I just got saved by Jesus no lie.”

Somehow, it got ever more intense, detailed, and NSFW from there. “This is what it must feel like to cum with a pussy Because if it’s even close I’m flaying to wherever tomorrow and getting the best pussy money can buy,” Carey continued. “I don’t need to be a man no more of [sic] it means I can feel like this all the time Fucking keep it bro if I can get this feeling instead That was God at work or something Like it felt like I was being saved by Jesus no lie.”

Some people who came across the post understandably thought that the comedian might have been hacked — because there’s no possible way anyone is this excited about Phish. But when Carey later appeared as a guest on the Taylor Tomlinson-hosted game show, After Midnight, his raving continued.

“So I saw Phish at the Sphere this weekend. Never saw Phish, didn’t know a Phish tune. And they [bleep] blew my mind off so hard. I thought to myself, I had a bunch of girls with me, and I thought to myself, ‘Is this what it’s like to [bleep] with a [bleep]?'” he said. “People that were there can verify, 100 percent true, this is what it’s like: It was like being edged for four days straight. And right before the face-melting climax at the end of the fourth day, an angel comes down from heaven, Gabriel, and he shoots [bleep] heroin in your arm, and he says ‘Good luck now, [bleep]!’ and he leaves and then you have an orgasm for 15 minutes while your eyeballs fall out of your head.”

Well. We’re glad he had a good time.